Any of you who know me either in real life or the virtual world know that I have lost both of my parents to lung cancer. I grew up an only child. Each of my parents had other children prior to their marriage. I refer to them as the Brady Bunch. When they got married, they combined both of their families into one. As the story goes, I seemed to have appeared out of nowhere in the middle of a family with four brothers and one sister. The age differences ranged from 8-18 years older than myself. My mother was 36 when I was born. She was told she could never have children of her own. She had happily adopted two children several years prior to my arrival. When she got pregnant her doctor warned her that she was too old (this was in 1976) and that either she or I or both of us would die during delivery. She informed me how anxious she was during the entire pregnancy. My father came to the marriage with four boys. Just when he thought he was almost done with childrearing; I came along! He turned 40 six weeks after I was born.
My siblings grew up and moved away when I was very young. I had a very close relationship with both of my parents. Each of them special to me in their own way. I talked to them about everything. We spoke often. If I wasn't at their house visiting; I was usually on the phone with one of them telling them about my day.
At 23 my father died of lung cancer in my last semester of my bachelors degree in community health. He was diagnosed at 60 and died three years later at the age of 63. As traumatic as it was to lose my dad it did provide an opportunity for me to become closer with my mom. I had always been "daddy's little girl" and tended to gravitate to him first for advice and conversation. The relationship I had with my mom was a good one but it got a lot better after my father had passed. It gave us time to develop a friendship and it gave me an opportunity to get to know my mother on a more personal level. I was able to see her as a friend and a woman, not just my mother. I believe that she viewed me in the same light.
At 31 I lost my mother unexpectedly from lung cancer. She was a healthy and seemed happy one day and the next day she was exhausted. After 9 days of extensive testing they determined that she had a very aggressive form of lung cancer. "One of the most aggressive forms I have ever seen" according to her Oncologist. My mother died 2 days after she was diagnosed with the disease.
With my fathers death I felt as if I had time to prepare. I had time to give myself a pep talk. I had time to figure out what I believed in. Was he going to Heaven? Did I believe in Heaven? What would happen to me and my mom after he died? I imagined life without him on several occasions as a way to prepare myself but also as a way to keep myself living in the present moment. I savored every moment I had with him knowing that it may be my last. That may have been part of the reason why I felt closer to my father when he was alive. Ever since I was a young child I had feared my father's death.
My mother's death was a lot harder for me for several reasons. One reason is that I was blindsided by it. I had no time to prepare for anything. I felt like the rug just came out from underneath me and I was free falling for a good two years after she passed. She was also the last parent to go which I think is always hard regardless of age.
Both of my parents are now gone. I mourned my mother and then I feel like I mourned my father all over again after she died. I felt like I was left with nothing. The two most important people in my life were gone. Who would call when I had a problem that I needed advice on? Who would come help me if I needed help or if I needed money or if I needed to move back home for some reason? Jesus I don't even have a "back home" anymore. I sold it! Completely and totally LOST is how I felt for a good solid two years. While I tried to figure out who I was and where I was going I detached from a lot of people, from life in general. Life became difficult. Just getting up in the morning was difficult. I still needed to muster up enough energy to close my mom's estate. All the paperwork and conversations with bill collectors and lawyers. It was all too much. I gave my husband permission to speak on my behalf so that on the days I was overwhelmed I could just shut the door behind me and let him deal with it. Luckily he was more than willing to help.
In the midst of my chaotic free fall, I cut people out of my life. I didn't have the energy for the petty drama that came along with several of the friendships I had made in years prior. I quit my job. I got pregnant. I finished my graduate degree and I got depressed. I got really depressed.
...But I figured it out. I still have my days. I probably always will to some extent. However I realize now that this isn't the worst possible thing that could happen in a person's life. It sure felt like it at the time but life happens. I had that philosophy even as everything was happening but it took me a long time for me to fully accept that and say that to myself without turning into a bucket of tears. I have come to appreciate the cycle of life and all that goes with it. I found the beauty in it all and to some extent I have come up with my own rationale and belief system of life and death.
...And then there was one. I have never felt more powerful in my entire life as I do now.
No comments:
Post a Comment